The Funeral: A comedy
by Henrik Eger
Synopsis
Family and friends gather outside a suburban Catholic church, grieving the death of Maria Esposito, one of the most beloved people for miles. Her eldest son, Joe Esposito, invites everyone to a luncheon at a famous banquet hall nearby. Dr. Hudson, deeply moved, asks Joe whether he would like him to give a speech in honor of his mother at the luncheon. Joe, equally moved, agrees.
Dr. Hudson, not familiar with that part of suburban Philadelphia, gets lost in the bad weather. He rushes in and takes a seat at a table by the door, noticing the dark outfits of the older crowd, convinced that it’s the funeral party—unaware that it is actually an older couple’s 50th wedding anniversary. They are already on their dessert—time for his eulogy. A few lines into his speech (“This is one of the saddest days in our lives”), Joe who had just arrived and heard the speech, grabs Dr. Hudson and leads him out of the hall.
Dr. Hudson, not familiar with that part of suburban Philadelphia, gets lost in the bad weather. He rushes in and takes a seat at a table by the door, noticing the dark outfits of the older crowd, convinced that it’s the funeral party—unaware that it is actually an older couple’s 50th wedding anniversary. They are already on their dessert—time for his eulogy. A few lines into his speech (“This is one of the saddest days in our lives”), Joe who had just arrived and heard the speech, grabs Dr. Hudson and leads him out of the hall.
Characters
Dr. Henry Hudson, 65, English and communications professor at a large university in Philadelphia, enthusiastic speaker and president of a local chapter of Toastmasters International, the world’s largest speech, communication, and leadership organization. .
Joe Esposito, 35, oldest son, in charge of his mother’s funeral: Maria Esposito, one the nicest and most helpful secretaries at Dr. Hudson’s English and communication department. She had died of cancer, in spite of all the right things she did to save her life.
Joe Esposito, 35, oldest son, in charge of his mother’s funeral: Maria Esposito, one the nicest and most helpful secretaries at Dr. Hudson’s English and communication department. She had died of cancer, in spite of all the right things she did to save her life.
Excerpt
ACT I
SCENE 1
(Dark and gloomy day. Distant thunder. Faint organ music in the background. Large gathering of mourners outside a suburban Catholic church, most dressed in black suits and dresses, holding umbrellas, talking with each other, hugging, then leaving.)
DR. HUDSON
(Walking up to Joe, shaking hands.)
I am terribly sorry about the loss of your mother. I heard you are the oldest son. I am Dr. Hudson. Your mother was the best. We all loved her.
JOE ESPOSITO
(Smiling.)
Dr. Hudson? My mother often talked about you. She loved you. “The best absent minded professor I’ve ever met,” she would say.
(They both laugh.)
DR. HUDSON
Wonderful, would you like me to give a speech in honor of your mother? I already took notes of the direction to the banquet hall.
JOE ESPOSITO
Great. See you there, but don’t get lost.
SCENE 2
(Large banquet hall with a predominantly older crowd dressed in dark outfits. They are already on their desserts, all chatting with each other—time for the eulogy.)
DR. HUDSON
(Dr. Hudson, rushing in, disheveled, dripping, embarrassed that he was late having been lost on the way. He grabs a spoon at the only place at the table by the door that is still unoccupied, and clinks an empty glass.)
Dear friends. I am so glad you all came.
(The chatter stops with everyone looking at him, puzzled.)
Clearly this is one of the saddest days in our life.
(Murmur starts again.)
May we all be spared suffering like this . . .
(Shouts of “Who is he?” can be heard. Dr. Hudson on a mission, unperturbed, continues.)
We all loved her. We all miss her.
(Shouts of “Who the fuck is he?” can be heard. Dr. Hudson, hesitates turns around and sees Joe walk in.)
JOE ESPOSITO
I’m sure it’s going to be a wonderful speech, but that would be for my family and friends next door. This is a wedding.
(Applause from the wedding party. Joe grabs Dr. Hudson and tries to lead him out of the hall.)
DR. HUDSON
(Unperturbed, trying to save the day, ready now to give a wedding speech to make up for his faux pas.)
I am terribly sorry, everyone. Can we at least raise our glasses for a toast? “To the living . . . To the dead!”
(Terrible thunder and lightning. Lights out suddenly. Shouts of “what’s going on?” Followed by more thunder.)
SCENE 1
(Dark and gloomy day. Distant thunder. Faint organ music in the background. Large gathering of mourners outside a suburban Catholic church, most dressed in black suits and dresses, holding umbrellas, talking with each other, hugging, then leaving.)
DR. HUDSON
(Walking up to Joe, shaking hands.)
I am terribly sorry about the loss of your mother. I heard you are the oldest son. I am Dr. Hudson. Your mother was the best. We all loved her.
JOE ESPOSITO
(Smiling.)
Dr. Hudson? My mother often talked about you. She loved you. “The best absent minded professor I’ve ever met,” she would say.
(They both laugh.)
DR. HUDSON
Wonderful, would you like me to give a speech in honor of your mother? I already took notes of the direction to the banquet hall.
JOE ESPOSITO
Great. See you there, but don’t get lost.
SCENE 2
(Large banquet hall with a predominantly older crowd dressed in dark outfits. They are already on their desserts, all chatting with each other—time for the eulogy.)
DR. HUDSON
(Dr. Hudson, rushing in, disheveled, dripping, embarrassed that he was late having been lost on the way. He grabs a spoon at the only place at the table by the door that is still unoccupied, and clinks an empty glass.)
Dear friends. I am so glad you all came.
(The chatter stops with everyone looking at him, puzzled.)
Clearly this is one of the saddest days in our life.
(Murmur starts again.)
May we all be spared suffering like this . . .
(Shouts of “Who is he?” can be heard. Dr. Hudson on a mission, unperturbed, continues.)
We all loved her. We all miss her.
(Shouts of “Who the fuck is he?” can be heard. Dr. Hudson, hesitates turns around and sees Joe walk in.)
JOE ESPOSITO
I’m sure it’s going to be a wonderful speech, but that would be for my family and friends next door. This is a wedding.
(Applause from the wedding party. Joe grabs Dr. Hudson and tries to lead him out of the hall.)
DR. HUDSON
(Unperturbed, trying to save the day, ready now to give a wedding speech to make up for his faux pas.)
I am terribly sorry, everyone. Can we at least raise our glasses for a toast? “To the living . . . To the dead!”
(Terrible thunder and lightning. Lights out suddenly. Shouts of “what’s going on?” Followed by more thunder.)
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